Alone.
No matter how many people called my name, no matter how their shadows swarmed me like a cloud of angry hornets, I felt alone.
The smell of alcohol drifted towards me slowly like the creeping mist which rolled over the grass. Nauseous, numb and neglected, I staggered up the winding pavement which felt unsteady beneath my feet. Trying to avoid a group of people that had clashed with me recently, I didn't want to deal with any conflicts on what promised to be a good night. My legs carried me carelessly toward the front steps of my friends house, stumbling over the threshold as my limbs tangled themselves amongst the thick coats and shoes which lined the door.
Homely and warm, was the best way to describe how I felt as my eyes caught the rows of family pictures. Almost like a godly shrine, candles had been lit, illuminating the faces of those held dearly within the black and white frames. A happy family, portrayed so innocently within that picture which held a thousand memories of a more treasured time. Sadly most pictures were to commemorate the grandparents who had passed, or their beloved dog Fido who had drowned in the lake the summer before. As my eyes trailed further around the hallway in which I stood in, I noticed the fire burning brightly in the sitting room. Walking, or rather wobbling, into the front room of the quaint little townhouse, I sat on the plush cream leather sofa. It's soft pillows engulfed my body as I sank further into the depth of its folds.
As the heat from the fire seeped through the thin layers of my clothes, I peeled my jacked off the sleek layer of perspiration which coated my skin. Fanning myself with a near 'house wife life' magazine, but bathing in the amber glow of the spitting fire, I sighed in content. My friend brought me a glass of cool water from the kitchen as I declared that I believed I was more sober in that moment. She simply laughed in reply as to her my words were slurred and my eyes were uneasy, a contrast to the heat and comfort I felt inside.
Suddenly the warmth became too much and I bounced upright from between two fluffy, sequined pillows. Loudly announcing that I would be going outside for a cool down, which was silly because I had left my jacket behind me knowing I would freeze to death. Hurrying myself back through the hallway and pushing the door which I had left ajar, the icy air nipped at my cheeks as I felt my mouth begin to dry. Being careful not to slide on the black ice, my limbs flailed like a newborn gazelle trying to find its feet for the first time. Catching my breath, steadying myself, I tread carefully forward. For if I moved any faster the ground surely would crack and swallow me whole.
I heard my name being called by a familiar voice but choosing to ignore them I carried on my happy adventure though the bleak streets.
Becoming more confident as the wind whipped my hair into my frosty lashes, I briskly made my way through the crisp winter air. Suddenly I longed for the protection of the house I was just in as the wind grew stronger and my hands became colder. Eyes glazed and heart racing I soldiered on forward, keeping my head low so that I would not have to face the bitter winds on nose. The white street lamps dimly illuminated the path I chose though town. Walking at such a pace I had found myself in the local park within what felt like an hours journey, this would normally take around five minutes but maybe time feels slower when you are all alone.
Checking my surroundings, I made my way over to the concrete path and decided to rest on the driest patch of ground I could find. A slow crunching sound suddenly awoke me from my inner thoughts and as I peered up to inspect I noticed a figure approaching me. Squinting into the Cimmerian shade to get a better look, I seemed to recognise who was looming towards where I lay. He stopped his slow stroll around three feet away from me, just standing there and not uttering a sound. His eyes gazed into mine with such a burning intensity I felt the heat rise to my cheeks slowly. The pace of my heart quickened and it was all that could be heard in the somber darkness which enshrouded us. I was very used to encountering my mistakes on a night like this, making new ones and dealing with the old ones. He wasn't a stranger to me, I was ready for his abuse to prey on my mind as if I was a sleepless child after a night terror.
Somehow the cloak of darkness made me feel slightly less intimidated by the situation I was facing. Then he began shouting, saliva spraying from his mouth like a hissing serpent. He bellowed with such hatred and pain that his words were as dangerously poisonous as the snake in which he so resembled to me. I felt the world begin to fall from beneath me, the control over my body was slipping through my fingers. The weight of all my mistakes lay on my shoulders as his abuse continued, it would have hurt less for him to have just kicked my ribs as I lay there helplessly.
I shouted back, fighting my corner and standing my ground. While hiding the tears which threatened to spill dangerously onto my face. I didn't want to be screaming, I was already having an internal battle which I had only hoped to drown out with unimaginable amounts of substances. This didn't work however, as the animosity continued further to the point which I threatened violence and regretted it immediately as I noticed the smashed bottles surrounding myself.
If only he knew that what he was screaming was false. If I only knew the truth about the situation myself maybe I could fight harder. It seemed that whatever rumours had been spread, some truth had been in there at some point. His words dug deeply, reopening wounds which had hastily been bandaged shut in an attempt to feel ok for once. I can't act as if I'm innocent for the mistakes I made, but I didn't deserve what was being thrown toward me.
More people began arriving, the screeching only became louder and more intense than before. I was aware of multiple hands all over me, but I could not feel them as I was numb. The buzz of the Booze mixed with all other sorts of short lived highs and long lived lows didn't seem to help. Dizziness clouded my vision and my thought process, the hands still grabbed at my body.
All this time within myself I still felt disconnected from my body, as if I was a fly on the wall watching the chaos unfold from afar. Almost like an out of body experience, I felt like I was floating. Unconcerned and uncaring about the events that were now unfolding around myself, the truth was coming out and I couldn't stop it. People spat words filled with venom and intoxication. Who knows if there was any truth behind their yells. I became the victim and the villain all at once. "Come back to us, you're safe it's okay"
My chest became tight, heart rate increasing and falling unsteadily. My lungs seemed to fill with liquid as I spluttered and emptied the contents of my stomach onto the floor beneath me.
The reassurance from my friends warmed my core slightly, but not enough to ward away the dark shadow that still loomed over me. In that moment I knew I would carry my mistakes with me in death as much as they burdened me in life. I was stuck with them. His algid hand then reached toward me and with his final touch I felt myself fall into the desolation of what shrouded me. Guilt.
The red and blue lights flashed so brightly that even with my glazed eyes and solid soul I could almost feel the colour engulf me. What little colour I could see in my final moments I savoured like the last drop of water in a desert.
Alone.
By Mia-lauren
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